Life's Not Fair;
Being an Emotional Winner

By Sgt. Betsy Brantner Smith

When I was still in elementary school I decided that I’d become a cop. Certainly my strong sense of right and wrong, fair and unfair, good and evil would serve me well as a law enforcement professional.

In all of my law enforcement training classes I have a presentation slide that says simply “Nobody ever said life was going to be fair.” Whether I’m talking to cops, dispatchers, trainers, commanders, sworn or civilian, this statement always generates discussion.

This probably isn’t the first time you’ve heard some variation of “life isn’t fair.” I first heard it growing up on a farm in northern Ill. the 60’s and 70’s. I was a pretty happy kid, but I was always looking for things to be “equal.” Why did my brother have different chores than I did? Why did that girl in my 4-H club have a nicer horse that mine? Why did we have to go to church every single Sunday when some of my friends got to sleep in? “It’s not fair!” I whined. My mom, an elementary school teacher, never got angry, no matter how much I complained. She’d just smile wryly at me, say “Elizabeth, nobody every said life was going to be fair,” and send me on my way.

When I was sill in elementary school I decided that I’d become a cop. Certainly my strong sense of right and wrong, fair and unfair, good and evil would serve me well as law enforcement professional. I became a police officer and less than four years later my mom died of cancer at the age of fifty-five. She never smoked, she rarely drank, and she was the kindest person I’ve ever known. Life really isn’t fair.

For the next several decades I tried to figure out how to make my life, both personal and professional, “fair.” Sometimes things went my way, sometimes they didn’t. There were times when I thought I had control of my life, and then something would come along and all of a sudden, I’d be at the mercy of someone or something else. I’d watch bad things happen to good people. Life seemed so unfair sometimes.
Fortunately, in 2002, a former cop-turned-psychologist named Kevin Gilmartin published a book called “Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement.” It’s still one of the most valuable resources for any cop, correctional officer, soldier, dispatcher, probation/parole officer or anyone who cares about someone in the law enforcement profession. As I read this book for the first of many times to come I initially noticed, much to my chagrin, that Dr. Gilmartin basically agreed with my mom that life wasn’t fair and I needed to learn to accept that. I think Dr. Gilmartin would have gotten along pretty well with my mom

I started to study this issue in earnest. I’d always been searching for ways to increase my optimism and to help my students do the same, but up until now I’d been more concerned about teaching officer safety, career survival and topics like community policing, communication and investigations skills that I hadn’t given a whole lot of thought to my own “emotional survival.” I attended Dr. Gilmartin’s class. Like many of my other training role models like Dave Smith, Val VanBrocklin and Bruce Sokolove, Dr. Gilmartin tells his students to take control of their own careers, their own skills, and their own lives.
What happens to cops who view themselves as a “victim” most of the time? If they perceive that the agency has or is going to continue to “screw” them and their “locus of control” lies with everyone else, but certainly not with them? As Dr. Gilmartin says, these officers may have a difficult time returning to the enthusiastic and committed cops they once were. Instead, they take on “victim attributes,” such as a merging of personal and professional roles (“I’m a cop 24/7”), they are rigid, inflexible, and hypersensitive to change, because change is seen as an assault. These officers tend to feel paranoid, that the agency is constantly out to get them, and they begin to feel a need for retaliation.

Without actively working at taking control of their own emotional survival, these officers run the risk of becoming professional malcontents, and they may also drive away their family and friends, the very people who truly care about them. Their lives may become a self-fulfilling prophesy of misery, both personally and professionally.

This was all such great, eye-opening stuff that I began to also incorporate these principles into my own training classes, including classes like “Don’t Whine…WIN” and “The Winning Mind For Women.” Pretty soon, I’d have woman after woman approach me and tell me some version of their own “life isn’t fair” struggle that had affected their personal or professional life. I had to do more than just quote my mom to them so again, I began to study, and I came across a wonderful book, “The Female Brain” by Dr. Louann Brizendine. This book should be read by anyone who works with, lives with, cares about, trains, is raising, or is a female of the species.

Dr. Brizendine tells us something we already know, that women are generally not big on conflict, but she also shows us that we are “hard-wired” or biologically pre-disposed to such behaviors. There are reasons for us to feel the way we do, it’s all right there in our brain! Think about it, one of the best ways to avoid conflict is to make sure everything is “fair.”

Just watch a group of little girls playing, they will make sure everyone has a role in whatever they are playing, they will ask questions like, “Let’s play soccer, OK?” or “Is it OK if we play house?” Generally speaking, women prefer it when everyone is getting along -- when there is no conflict to deal with -- which often means everything is going the way they want it to go. (Sorry, ladies, I have to tell the truth here, no matter how much it hurts!) So when something perceived to be “unfair” happens (the department cancelled my day off; that guy got a promotion that I deserved more than he did; the sergeant treats her better than he treats me, etc.) most women have a much harder time dealing with it than most men do.
What’s the professional implication here? All cops have to be aware of avoiding the “victim” mentality when things aren’t going their way, but women have to be especially vigilant and work even harder to become what Dr. Gilmartin calls an “emotional survivor.” In a profession where we have a significant divorce rate, a high rate of alcoholism and an increasing rate of officer suicides, our ability to “win” emotionally is just as important as “winning” on the street.

And in a profession that still has difficulty recruiting and retaining women, all trainers, administrators, and female personnel themselves need to study the science behind how women think and realize (and admit!) that men and women truly are different, and both sexes need to work hard at their own emotional well being, because remember, “Nobody Ever Said Life Was Going To Be Fair!”

Dr. Kevin Gilmartin http://www.emotionalsurvival.com/about.htm
Bruce Sokolove http://www.linkedin.com/pub/bruce-sokolove/28/996/894

Valerie VanBrocklin http://www.valvanbrocklin.com/
Dave Smith http://jdbucksavage.com/

Older Recruits
 

Second-career officers are increasing within the ranks. by William Harvey - Police Magazine Second-career "start-overs" are increasing in our ranks. I don't know whether it's the economic situation, disillusionment with a current job, or fulfilling a childhood dream but older candidates are applying for policeland. I recently had a chap call me and ask if he should apply for the police test. He is in his early 30s and wanted to know his chances. Let's take a look at this phenomenon. Post military careers are quite common (author included). If you're in the military and can't decide whether to stay in or look for a civilian job, you may want to give this cop gig a whirl. The uniforms, ranks, governmental benefits, and guns will sound familiar. In the 60s and 70s, the Vietnam era churned out a great crop of police officers. More recent conflicts are doing the same. Chiefs should give a vet a chance! Economic woes, downsizing, and over-qualification have been a recent stimulus for many to seek employment amongst our ranks. At the 50,000-foot level, most see it as a government job with protection and perks. Most think that no police agency will ever downsize, but think again. The larger cash-strapped cities are now leaving positions unfilled and slimming down their ranks. Some view the occupation of a cop as inside work and no heavy lifting. Think again. Fully explore your new employer and understand how the agency can withstand any more shuttering of the economy. The disillusionment with a current career and life is another reason I've heard to seek out Copland. Candidates want a job helping others and making a difference. OK, sounds good at the oral boards but stop and think. Do you really understand what real cops do? I had a high school teacher ask about being a cop. He hated dealing with youth and wants to leave the classroom to become a cop. If you hate working with juveniles now, what do you think you're entering into? Stop and fully evaluate your reasons here. The other problem of a second career is that cops may have to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, holidays, and during your kid's recitals. The working environment is not for the faint of heart. For the late 20s to mid-30s set who still want to apply, let's have a little reality orientation. Before you apply for the job, honestly try to address these points. Physical standards: Most academies have physical standards for entrance and graduation known as P.T. (Physical Training). Most of these are not graded on the curve for older students. You'll be expected to run, jump, and wrestle with the 21-year-olds. Can you? Background investigations: Let's face it, you have 10 to 15 more years of experiance than the young bucks of getting into stuff, driving, and employers. You also have 10-15 years extra of life's little problems, issues and such to explain. Can you? Academy and FTO programs: To go to work for some employers involves a couple of days of new-employee orientations and that's it. In Policeland, you have at least of year in the academy and the FTO program before you can breathe without worry. If you have a family, can you have the kiddies cared for? Will they understand that dad or mom will be in an academy for six months and can't come out and play? Starting over: Let's say you have some seniority, rights, and privileges at your current job. Can you stand being an FNG all over again? School work: When was the last time you were in school? The young ones are straight out of college or within a year or so of academia. When was the last time you had to take notes, submit papers, or study for exams? The older we get, the harder this gets. Are you ready for this critical piece of the pie? Can you check your ego at the door? Finally let's take this one wild card element. You are 35 and your training officer is 25. You have 10 years more life experience and other intangibles. Can you let a youngster teach you or supervise you? Check your ego. I'm not trying to scare off the second-career group. Some make the finest officers I've ever worked with. They will have challenges to overcome, and it can be harder for them than the younger set. Those who make it will appreciate the job and all it can be. Before you think of applying on a whim, weigh the job out for you and your life. Still going to try it? Good luck. Stay safe and train hard!

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