By Dr. George Thompson
Reprinted from PoliceLink
Dr. George J. Thompson is the President and Founder of
the Verbal Judo Institute, a tactical training and
management firm now based in Auburn, NY. For full
details on Dr. Thompson’s work and training, please
visit the
Verbal Judo Web Site.
Safety lies in knowledge. If you deal with cagey street
people, or indeed difficult people at all, anywhere, you
need to watch your tongue! The “cocked tongue” can be
more lethal than the 9 millimeter or the 45.
See this list of seven commonly used statements that can
work against you.
7. “HEY YOU! COME HERE!”
Consider,
you are on patrol
and you see someone suspicious you want to talk with, so
you most naturally say, “Hey you! Come here!” Verbal
Judo teaches that “natural language is disastrous!” and
this provides a wonderful example. You have just warned
the subject that he is in trouble. “Come here” means to
you, “Over here, you are under my authority.” But to the
subject it means, “Go away-quickly!” The words are not
tactical for they have provided a warning and possibly
precipitated a chase that would not have been necessary
had you, instead, walked casually in his direction and
once close said, “Excuse me. Could I chat with
momentarily?” Notice this question is polite,
professional, and calm.
Also notice, you have gotten in close, in his “space”
though not his “face,” and now you are too close for him
to back off, giving you a ration of verbal trouble, as
could have easily been the case with the “Hey you! Come
here!” opening.
The ancient samurai knew never to let an opponent pick
the place of battle for then the sun would always be in
your eyes! “Come here” is loose, lazy, and ineffective
language. Easy, but wrong. Tactically, “May I chat with
you” is far better, for not only have you picked the
place to talk, but anything the subject says, other than
yes or no-the question you asked-provides you with
intelligence regarding his emotional and/or mental
state. Let him start any ‘dance’ of resistance.
Point: Polite civility can be a weapon of immense power!
6. “CALM DOWN!”
Consider this verbal blunder. You approach some angry
folks and you most naturally say, “Hey, calm down!” This
command never works, so why do we always use it? Because
it flows naturally from our lips!
What’s wrong with it? One, the phrase is a criticism of
their behavior and suggests that they have no legitimate
right to be upset! Hence, rather than reassuring them
that things will improve, which should be your goal, you
have created a new problem! Not only is there the matter
they were upset about to begin with, but now they need
to defend their reaction to you! Double the trouble!
Better, put on a calming face and demeanor-in Verbal
Judo we say, ‘Chameleon up’-look the person in the eye
and say, gently, “It’s going to be all right. Talk to
me. What’s the matter?” The phrase "What’s the matter?’
softens the person up to talk and calm down; where ‘Calm
down’ hardens the resistance. The choice is yours!
5. “I’M NOT GOING TO TELL
YOU AGAIN!”
We teach in Verbal Judo that ‘repetition is weakness on
the streets!’ and you and I both know that this phrase
is almost always a lie. You will say it again, and
possibly again and again!
Parents do it all the time with their kids, and street
cops do it with resistant subjects, all the time! The
phrase is, of course, a threat, and voicing it leaves
you only one viable option-action! If you are not
prepared to act, or cannot at the time, you lose
credibility, and with the loss of creditability comes
the loss of power and safety!
Even if you are prepared to act, you have warned the
subject that you are about to do so and forewarned is
forearmed! Another tactical blunder! Like the
rattlesnake you have made noise, and noise can get you
hurt or killed. Better to be more like the cobra and
strike when least suspected!
If you want to stress the seriousness of your words, say
something like, ‘Listen, it’s important that you get
this point, so pay close attention to what I’m about to
tell you.’
If you have used Verbal Judo’s Five Steps of Persuasion
you know that we act after asking our “nicest, most
polite question,”
“Sir, is there anything I could say that would get you
to do A, B and C? I’d like to think so?”
If the answer is NO, we act while the subject is still
talking! We do not telegraph our actions nor threaten
people, but we do act when verbal persuasion fails.
4. “BE MORE REASONABLE!”
Telling people “be more reasonable” has many of the same
problems as “Calm Down!” Everyone thinks h/she is plenty
reasonable given the present circumstances! I never have
had anyone run up to me and say, “Hey, I know I’m stupid
and wrong, but here’s what I think!” although I have
been confronted by stupid and wrong people! You only
invite conflict when you tell people to “be more
reasonable!”
Instead, make people more reasonable by the way in which
you handle them, tactically! Use the language of
reassurance-“Let me see if I understand your position,”
and then paraphrase-another VJ tactic!-back to them
their meaning, as you see it, in your words! Using your
words will calm them and make them more reasonable
because your words will (or better be!) more
professional and less emotional.
This approach absorbs the other’s tension and makes him
feel your support. Now you can help them think more
logically and less destructively, without making the
insulting charge implied in your statement, “Be more
reasonable!”
Again, tactics over natural reaction!
3. “BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE
RULES” (or “THAT’S THE LAW!”)
If ever there was a phrase that irritates people and
makes you look weak, this is it!
If you are enforcing rules/laws that exist for good
reason, don’t be afraid to explain that! Your audience
may not agree with or like it, but at least they have
been honored with an explanation. Note, a true sign of
REspect is to tell people why, and telling people why
generates voluntary compliance. Indeed, we know that at
least 70% of resistant or difficult people will do what
you want them to do if you will just tell them why!
When you tell people why, you establish a ground to
stand on, and one for them as well! Your declaration of
why defines the limits of the issue at hand, defines
your real authority, but also gives the other good
reason for complying, not just because you said so!
Tactically, telling people why gets your ego out of it
and put in its place a solid, professional reason for
action.
Even at home, if all you can do is repeat, “those are
the rules,” you sound and look weak because you
apparently cannot support your order/request with logic
or good reason. Indeed, if you can put rules or policies
into context and explain how the rules or policies are
good for everyone, you not only help people understand,
you help them save face. Hence, you are much more likely
to generate voluntary compliance, which is your goal!
2. “WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM?”
This snotty, useless phrase turns the problem back on
the person needing assistance. It signals this is a
“you-versus-me” battle rather than an “us” discussion.
The typical reaction is, “It’s not my problem. You’re
the problem!”
The problem with the word problem is that it makes
people feel deficient or even helpless. It can even
transport people back to grade school where they felt
misunderstood and underrated. Nobody likes to admit
h/she has a problem. That’s a weakness! When asked,
“what’s your problem?” the other already feels a
failure. So the immediate natural reaction is, “I don’t
have one, you do!” which is a reaction that now hides a
real need for help.
Substitute tactical phrases designed to soften and open
someone up, like “What’s the matter?”, “How can I
help?”, or “I can see you’re upset, let me suggest . . .
.”
Remember, as an officer of peace, it is your business to
find ways to gather good intel and to help those in
need, not to pass judgments.
1. “WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO
DO ABOUT IT?”
A great cop-out (no pun…)! This pseudo-question, always
accompanied by sarcasm, is clearly an evasion of
responsibility and a clear sign of a lack of creativity!
The phrase really reveals the speaker’s exasperation and
lack of knowledge. Often heard from untrained sales
clerks and young officers tasked with figuring out how
to help someone when the rules are not clear.
When you say, “What do you want me to do about it?” you
can count on two problems: the one you started with and
the one you just created by appearing to duck
responsibility.
Instead, tactically offer to help sort out the problem
and work toward a solution. If it truly is not in your
area of responsibility, point the subject to the right
department or persons that might be able to solve the
problem.
If you are unable or unqualified to assist and you
haven’t a clue as to how to help the person, apologize.
Such an apology almost always gains you an ally, one you
may need at same later date. Beat cops need to remember
it is important to “develop a pair of eyes” (contacts)
every time they interact with the public. Had the
officer said to the complainant, for example, “I’m
sorry, I really do not know what to recommend, but I
wish I did, I’d like to help you,” and coupled that
statement with a concerned tone of voice and a face of
concern, he would have gone a long way toward making
that person more malleable and compliant for the police
later down the road.
Remember, insult strengthens resistance and shuts the
eyes. Civility weakens resistance and opens the eyes!
It’s tactical to be nice!
Dr. George J. Thompson is the President and Founder of
the Verbal Judo Institute, a tactical training and
management firm now based in Auburn, NY. For full
details on Dr. Thompson’s work and training, please
visit the
Verbal Judo Web Site.
.
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